Raw Pain of Insomnia

"Do you feel amazing on your raw diet?"

This is a question I get from raw foodies and raw foodie wannabes with incredible frequency.

Do I feel AMAZING? Um, no... I feel ALERT.

Having lived on and off in a terrible fog of muddling comprehension since I was hit by a car at 17, alertness is no small thing. It is, in fact, amazing. I feel strongly that clarity of mind is not something people should take for granted. Having spent half of my life working myself to exhaustion just trying to drowned out the sounds of a fluorescent lights so I can hear the conversation around me, alertness is like gold. However, after 30 + days, all of this ALERTNESS is starting to severely impact my beauty rest.

SLEEP has been my one and only survival skill for post-head injury life and I have always considered it a special gift that I can sleep anywhere, anytime, anyhow. Now, at the end of a long day, I go to get my eight hours of blissful, near death sleep and I am locked out by absolute alertness and a clear mind.

This might be fantastic. I really might only need five hours of sleep with such a clean diet, but the truth is... I miss it. I miss being asleep. I miss going to bed at the same time as my husband, and I miss enjoying only a few passing moments before I am dead to the world.

Maybe, if I keep my diet 50-60% raw, but introduce back in some nice hot "dead" food, I will keep my alert mind when I need it and be able to pass out when I'm ready.

Well, 2 o'clock a.m. seems to be my "reasonable" bedtime lately, so I only have another 2.5 hours to kill... maybe I can count on the Jane Eyre TV mini-series to knock me out again... that only took until 2:30 last night.

Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday... WEDNESDAY = Food to help me sleep.

Silly Delicious Cooking Class

One thing I decided would be good to do during my raw challenge is attend a raw cooking class. This is a pretty big deal for me having never attended a cooking class in my life and even somehow "missing out on" Home Economics in high school. Sure it is the last week of my challenge, but still worth it and I might learn something.

I didn't know what to expect, so much so that I didn't even think of the basics... a raw cooking class = Hippies. THE WEIRDEST OF ALL HIPPIES. 15 minutes into the class I leaned over and said to Joanna (It's a girl thing. I had to bring a friend), "The hardest part of my challenge is going to be sitting through this class." She said, "No, shit" or rather she would have said, "No, shit" if she hadn't given up swearing for Lent, so she probably really said, "I know, right?"

The students were "sincere" and the teacher was an adorable disaster. Had she only been a disaster, we would have left, but watching her stumble and bumble was cute and endearing so we stayed. I didn't learn much new (certainly not how to hold a knife or chop vegetables competently) but we did walk away with two delicious raw recipes. One of which we tried out at an impromptu dinner party tonight.

Pasta with Mushroom "Cheese" Sauce

Part 1: Pasta
Zucchinis, Radishes, and Carrots all Julienned. Set on paper towels to dry

Part 2: Basic Cashew Cheese
Cashews and water blended until very smooth

Part 3: Mushroom Cheese Sauce
Mushrooms
Olive Oil
Nama Shoyu
Cashew Cheese
Lemon
Nutritional Yeast
Garlic
Salt

Then you toss all this together and you have a miracle of delicious "Mushroom Alfredo Sauce" with "Pasta". True, this dish would be better in the middle of summer, but after 30 days of raw anything at home that is this flavorful is the best of treats.

Also, since Joanna is a brilliant dessert maker, we embarked on our first raw dessert. Chocolate Mousse with Strawberries and Cashew Cream.

Part I: Chocolate Mousse
Cacao Powder (we ground up Raw Cacao nibs in Edwards' coffee grinder, shhhhh...)
Bananas
Avocado
Coconut Water
Agave

Part II: Strawberries
Enough said

Part III: Cashew Cream
We took the left over Cashew Cheese and added Agave. YUM!

This was another miracle. A three layer dessert miracle. It looked almost exactly like this picture and tasted as good as you imagine.

Edwards said when I embarked on my raw challenge that some girls don't loose weight when they go raw because they eat too many nuts. Well, um, GUILTY! I consumed about 3 lbs of creamed cashews tonight and loved every second of it. Plus, I got to entertain friends over an amazing dinner, which is always the most gratifying part of life.

KIDS: TRY THIS AT HOME!

Oh and... I made the dessert again the next day in honor of Edwards'return home... the picture doesn't do it justice and you can't see the chocolate, but YUM!

A Rose by Any Other Name

Ah, to be 29 again! If I were, I would be complete of my raw food challenge. Fortunately, I have only seven more full days.

It occurred to me this evening that I should have been documenting the recipes I've tried and the "adventures" I've had. Unfortunately, it has been difficult to feel inspired to write about my challenge as I'm not sure how interesting it is. However, last night and tonight I dined on something "interesting" and worth writing about.

Mashed Potatoes and Gravy

Part I: Mashed Potatoes
Cauliflower
Cashews
Lemon Juice
Thyme
Salt
BLENDED TO SMOOTH

Part II: Gravy
Miso
Red Wine
Onion
Shallot
Orange Juice
Olive Oil
Maple Syrup
Jalapeno
Nama Shoyu
Ginger
Apple Cider Vinegar
Sesame Seed Oil
Blended to Brown Sauce

What was going through my brain when I decided THIS is what I wanted for dinner? I can't really say, but if you'd been RAW for 28 days you just might also have an incredible, insatiable desire for ANYTHING named Mashed Potatoes and Gravy.

The biggest problem with this recipe (yes, besides maple syrup, nama shoyu, and jalapeno together) is the name. I think I'll stop gagging on it if I can figure out a new name for it. In theory, the flavors are not bad (and it is INCREDIBLE to have SO MUCH FLAVOR IN A RAW DISH) but if your brain is thinking "Mashed Potatoes and Gravy" it will never, ever never reconcile to the light'ish green/white moosh with brown liquid on top that you have in a bowl before you.

So - if anyone outside of myself ever read my blog - I would issue a NAME THAT DISH challenge. Then I would write the hippie author of this cookbook and demand that it be changed. Because let me tell you... a rose by any other name - rather, in any other shape - does NOT smell as sweet.

The Good News

This raw diet isn't so bad. In fact, I think it is causing me to feel "normal" again. People ask if I feel any different, but I always say, "not really". However, I give that answer automatically compared to the me I was before Beata died. I really don't feel much different from the girl with her whole family. The truth is though, I can't compare to that girl because she has been missing for months.

I actually feel quite different from the me I was when I started the challenge 12 days ago. 12 days ago I was a disaster, missing and hurting for my family every minute of every day. Today, I am more at ease. It may have started with the distraction of learning something new (and all the dang food prep required for this diet), but now it might be healthy belly = healthy heart. I still miss Beata, Tuco, and Miss Manners, but it is beginning to be a warmer, softer, more loving feeling than the constant, crushing pain I had two weeks ago.

This is no small change. This is huge. I feel HUGELY different.

I think I've got to go one more step though. I've got to cut out wine and champagne. Not because I don't believe they are RAW, but because I get too drunk, too fast on this diet. I simply can't spend another night passed out in The John. That's right. I'm 34 years old and I just admitted to something shamefully undergraduate. Oh well, thanks to good company and wonderful friends it was totally worth it!

The challenge is hard. I miss hot food. I miss tea. I miss Indian food and Mexican food. I miss Cake Lunch. I miss going to restaurants. I miss interest in my food. I miss lots of wonderful things, but I am loving the cleanse. I have a lot of bad things to get rid of. Let's see how I do in the next 23 days!

Raw Challenge to Vegan Life

I had planned a really hard cross-country/skate ski challenge for my 34th year, but life lost a little forward momentum due to recent events and so did my training program. BUT... I needed a challenge. Maybe something more cerebral and beneficial for my life? Yes! I've got it!

34 Day Raw Food Diet.

The rules:
1. Duh, only raw food.
2. Raw "sweets" no more than twice a week
3. No caffeine. Bonus points for this one.

Starting on my birthday (NO CAKE?) February 15, 2011 and ending March 22, 2011.
I've added one day due to prior dinner arrangements with a friend moving to France.

I'm four days in and, well, I am dehydrated! Explain that? Everything I eat has tons of water, plus I drink a jug and half of water each day, but I'm walking around with pruned fingers and parched lips. Too weird. Other than that... It's not so bad. I just do not let myself get hungry. I eat ALL DAY! (hip, hip, hurray!) Sure, it is strawberries, dried mangoes, peanut butter, celery, snap peas, carrots, trail mix, and weird vitamix concoctions, but the intake is constant so I haven't gone bonkers with cravings yet.

In amazing solidarity, Edwards is participating partially in my challenge. He is on a whole foods diet for 34 days. Whole vs Raw allows him to use that amazing little invention called, FIRE. He can cook his foods. I never thought I'd be so jealous watching someone eat quinoa! How does he feel right now? Tired, cause he can't sleep. Diet transitions can be weird.

Of course, this means I missed Cake Lunch all week and now my dear friend is getting married and moving to VERNAL, UT! OK, nope, but she was made this offer and I wasn't even around to confer with! Fortunately, my friends are smart and will live without me while I'm in raw food isolation.

I'll try and keep the blog updated with how I feel. I certainly don't feel any better yet, but maybe I will. I'll also explain why, at the end of the 34 days, I'm not going back to being a "localtarian". I'm going to be vegan.

I guess if I'm gonna eat like a hippie, I'll have to include more yoga in the diet as well.

Dear Neighbor

This is the note I want to post in my neighborhood, but I don't think I can manage something even this simple. It seems less silent than you must be to manage a crisis of this kind.

Dear Neighbor Who Bludgeoned My Dog With An Ax:

The next time you see an animal in your unfenced backyard, enjoying the pay dirt of your illegally ranging chickens, please run out of your house with a broom instead of an ax.

You have broken my heart, my family, and my faith in humanity.

Sincerely,

Your neighbor

Our beautiful, joyous, mischievous, escape-artist husky rescue, Miss Maya Manners chose to go exploring in the neighborhood last week. We tried to round her up, but she refused. Shortly thereafter she found and killed a chicken in an unfenced backyard, ranging behind a knee-high plastic fence. The "Man of the House" ran out and beat her with an ax. AN AX. Intuitively we do not believe his story, our vet who had to see her and put her down doesn't believe his story, and Animal Control does not believe his story. However, she was at-large and "he felt threatened" by a beautiful, 36lb furball who ran hastily away from any confrontation. There is nothing anyone can do.

PS, Neighbor: The blows you struck indicate that you were holding her and she was crouched in a fearful, submissive position. You let her sit in your backyard brain damaged, crippled, and bleeding for an hour as you waited for animal control to respond. I would be very sorry that she killed your chicken if you had not already taken your own grotesque retribution.

I am not sorry. I am deeply sorrowful and deeply mad. I talk about shielding myself with gratitude (thank you for calling Animal Control), but it is only enough to keep me functioning, barely.

Maya Manners was a joyful and loving distraction from the void that Beata and Tuco left. Now the void is deeper, darker, and more painful. I throw my remaining love and attention to Finnegan. He is a wonderful, happy, eager dog. I am thankful for him.

In sorrow,

Lisa

Tuco Benedicto Pacifico Juan Maria Ramirez otherwise known as, The Rat. 16 of the most solid years ever lived and sad only for the ones he left behind

I met Steve Edwards an evening at the Greek Festival and despite asking him to walk me home I thought, "that guy is intense."

Then I started running into Steve Edwards at the coffee shop and he thought, "is she really going on about comic books?" and his bewilderment showed in his lack of warmth.

Then one day... "who's this?" and in his nonchalant, decisive way Edwards motioned by pointing his finger, "that's Ratso."

Nonchalant and decisive was the Edwards I knew, but the Edwards with this beautiful, fluffy, devoted, well-behaved dog... that is a man with a soft heart I had not yet met, but was extremely interested in.

As Edwards and I texted back and forth like middle-schoolers, many of his text were telling me about Ratso's eccentric behaviors. "The Rat is sitting in the car with the door open. He wants to go somewhere." "The Rat is barking at me and biting my hand, he wants to do stuff." "Well, The Rat and I went climbing today" (as if The Rat were his belay).
I married him and inherited Ratso who ultimately took to me. How does one know when Ratso "takes to them"? He let me touch his paws. :)

When we got married, Ratso was our family at home... the only one who had any inkling of what we were up to. Then we added Beata and I was so grateful for the example The Rat set for "not wanting any trouble", being "picky about food", walking off-leash, and manipulating situations. With his guidance, Beata started acting perfect and we had the makings of what anyone would call, a family.


We had almost 3 wonderful years together. Ratso survived a doggy stoke and some arthritis, but otherwise just got to grow very, very old. It was clear that life was no longer what it should be for a dog and his punishment for years of fitness... despite a real desire and willingness... was that his body just wouldn't crap out.

In the end, we had to help him along but we know he was ready. I take comfort in knowing that Beata is waiting for him, eager for him to introduce her to all his old friends. In this past terrible month the tragedy is that Beata's life was cut so short and Tuco's life went on so long. There is just no winning with death.

I read a quote that talked about how having your dog die and not adopting another is like saying the bad outweighs the good. Our family was pure joy and I am so grateful that Manners and Finn are here to remind us of all the good. A home without Ratso would be no home at all... unless Manners is here to act equally as cold and annoyed and Finnegan is here to be equally as energetic. Love doesn't dead-end.

R.I.P: Tuco, The Rat. You are missed by all.